


Perception

by AnnieO



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 16:26:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2628317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieO/pseuds/AnnieO
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone views the world through different eyes. Its how we see ourselves and each other that makes us who we are. For the Doctor and Rose it can be a bit more complex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perception

What do you see when you look at me?

I can tell when I watch you, although I hope you never see my eyes light upon your features, but I can tell. You see someone that I am not. A hero. A savior. The man who would take a stand and right the wrongs, but oh how wrong you are. I am nothing more than the illusion that I paint myself to be for you. You see what I wish you to see. The hero, the savior, the champion, the knight in shining armor, all those and so much more. 

It’s a lie.

I am none of those things. I am not the person you placed upon that pedestal high in the air, and now I fear the fall if you were ever to find out who I truly am. Would you despise me? Fear me? Leave me? By rights you should, I don’t deserve what you have offered me. I don’t deserve the chance at something beyond my limited scope of emotions. I don’t deserve to be able to reach out and touch your hand, to glance in your eyes, to make you smile. After all I have done…

I don’t deserve you.

You asked me once who I was, and my answer? I’m me. This is me here and now. This is who I am. Oh how far from the truth was that. I am the Destroyer of Worlds; I am the On Coming Storm. I am Ka Faraq Gatri. I am death. I am the Coward. I am the Last. I am alone.

Then you took my hand.

And everything changed.

But that’s not what I see.

* * * * *

What do you see when you look at me?

I know you watch. Sometimes I see you out of the corner of my eye, when you’re piloting the TARDIS, or when you think I’m not paying attention. But what do you actually see when you look at me? A heroin? A savior? The person who can make a difference? That’s not me, and I can’t be the person you want me to be. Those are simply the masks I wear to show myself for what you want me to be. The heroin, the savior, making a difference…

It’s all a lie.

That’s not me. I’m not the person you think I am. I’m to afraid to look down from the pedestal you placed me on, I don’t want to know how far I’m going to fall when you find out the truth. If I showed you what I really was would you hate me? Would you fear me? Would you leave me? Truth is I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I don’t deserve what you’ve offered me. The chance to see the Universe, the chance to be more then I ever thought I could I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to reach for your hand, to make you laugh, to see you smile. After all I haven’t done…

I don’t deserve you.

You called me a stupid ape once, and you have no idea how right you were. What rights a girl from the Council flats, who worked in a shop, got no A-levels, got swanning off across the Universe? I deserved the life I made for myself. 

Then you took my hand.

And everything changed.

But that’s not what I see.

* * * * *

What do you see when you look at me?

I can tell when you looked at me you still see him. The big ears, the manic grin, the lack of hair, the brooding moods, I can tell that you don’t see me and want to see him instead. Your hero, your savior, the man who gave you the Universe. The man who gave his life for yours. I’m sorry, that’s not me. I don’t know who I am yet, but I do know that I’m not that man anymore, and I can’t pretend to be him.

It’s a lie.

You asked me who I was once, well now I don’t know. I am learning about this new me, and I can’t tell you more. This is who I am. Right here. Right now. This is me. What will happen if you can’t see me? Will you hate me? Will you fear me? Will you leave me? By rights you should. I don’t deserve another chance. I don’t deserve to see what your hand feels like in mine, to see if I can make you smile like you used to. To see if your laugh sounds the same to my new ears. After everything I put you through.

I don’t deserve you.

You called me Your Doctor once, and now that man is dead and I’m alive. But am I still your Doctor? Or have I become nothing more then a reminder of what you lost? I would give you back what you lost if I could but I can’t. So your stuck with me, wild hair, gob, mole, and all. I’m still the Destroyer of Worlds; the On Coming Storm. Ka Faraq Gatri, death, the Coward. I am the Last. I am alone.

Then you took my hand.

And everything changed.

But that’s not what I see.

* * * * *

What do you see when you look at me?

I saw you watching, just a quick glance, but I wonder do you see that I’m trying to let go of him? That I need time to greave, before I can let my heart open up to you? Do you understand that I loved him enough to let myself die for him? I don’t want you to leave me behind. But I can’t tell you that I understand what’s happened. I can’t tell you that I’ll love you like I loved him. I can’t tell you that I let go.

It’s a lie.

I want to get to know your new quirks. I want to understand what’s happened to you. I want to watch you learn about your new self. But I want the old you back as well. Will you hate me if I can’t let go? Will you fear me if I let go to quick? Will you smile for me? Will you laugh for me? Will you let me walk away if I have to? After everything you’ve done for me…

I don’t deserve you.

You called me your Rose once, and I wonder am I still your Rose? Now that he’s dead and you’re here, how do I know what your feeling? How can I let go when I still see him sometimes? I’m still that stupid ape, the poor girl from the council flat that worked in the shop, and still got no A-levels. Still wanting to swan off across the Universe, but do you want me?

Then you took my hand

And everything changed.

But that’s not what I see.

* * * * *

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see me broken? Lost? Afraid? Alone? Standing on the beach, begging, pleading you not to leave me. Do you see my heart laying in a million shattered pieces on the wet sand at my feet? Do you see my hopes dying? Do you see that I love you? 

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see me dying? Lost? Afraid? Alone? Standing on the beach, wishing I could truly touch you one last time. Do you hear my hearts shattering into a million pieces on the TARDIS floor at my feet? Do you see my hopes dying? Do you see that I love you? 

It’s not a lie.

_I lo…I love you._

I don’t deserve it.

_Quite right to._

I can’t take your hand.

_I suppose if its once last chance to say it._

And everything changes.

_Rose Tyler…_

I just wish that wasn’t how we saw it.


End file.
